A Transfiguration/Our Whole Lives
BFC 2020
Exodus 24:12-18; Matthew 17:1-9
February 23, 2020
I am not sure why, but as public
schools in my neck of the woods tried to teach some basic sexual education,
they tried to do so in what was called “Health” class and use immature P.E.
teachers or one of the high school football coaches. This did not seem reasonable or rational to
me as my classmates readily left Coach Vogelsang or P.E. teacher Paul Kleeman
disconcerted, faces turning red, by asking the most absurd or embarrassing
questions. Our “health” teachers would
try to honestly answer the questions, readily show their frustration, only to
shortly give up and distribute the word search puzzle they had hoped to pass
out at the end of class. My dad was
tasked with the birds and the bees speech, and though Al Mulberry tried, we got
the basics followed by a quick, “Any questions?
Ok. Let mom and me know if you
think of anything.” My father, the P.E.
teacher, and the football coach each communicated that they wanted my sexual
education to be over as quickly as possible, please be over, please no
questions, and that this is the most embarrassing topic you could ever make
me teach you.
I remember in 6th grade the
junior high girls all being brought together in a classroom that excluded every
6th grade guy. I had no idea
what was going on there but my friend, David Singley, looked at me and said,
“Well, you know what they’re getting together to talk about!” So as to not look stupid, I said, with a dumb
smile on my face, “Yeah, yep.” In my
head I was screaming, “No, what are they getting together to talk about and why
are we being excluded?” I was destined
to be a P.E. teacher or a high school football coach teaching the next round of
health classes.
My sexual education happened in weird
and twisting ways, taught shame all too well by a wider church narrative that
also couldn’t talk about sex but didn’t even want me thinking
about it.
I vowed that the same would not be true for my kids
as they grew up. When Abe started dating Kathryn in high school, I knew that
Kathryn was being raised by her strict Catholic grandmother. I made the fateful decision to not only sit
down with Abe but also with Kathryn.
This began with Abe saying, “Dad, what are you doing? Dad, please stop. Dad, this is not a good time. Dad, this is crazy, why are you doing
this?” Abe could not believe I would
deliver all of this good information now, with his girlfriend present. See, I had dreams that Abe might be
uncomfortable in the moment but might later say to me, “Thank you, father. I had no idea how useful and helpful the
information you shared might become.”
No. Whenever a stray conversation
references that day, Abe will say something like, “I have no idea what you were
doing.” Because I have no idea about
balance when it comes to these things, I have no idea whether I did a good
thing or just an uncomfortable thing.
In both the Scriptural stories for today, featuring Moses
and Jesus on the mountaintop, there are times when their bodies are wholly
changed by an experience with the Divine.
But they then must come down from the mountain to live life in the real
world. And that’s where most of us are,
trying to figure out these bodies, our own sexuality, living in the real
world. We may have moments of intense
sexual bliss or pleasure, moments of divine transfiguration, but many of us are
fumbling through private embarrassment about how we might express ourselves
sexually when we come down from the mountain.
Quite frankly, I am always more surprised by the people who exhibit a
sexual confidence.
A few weeks ago I attended the introduction to the
Our Whole Lives Older Adult sexuality curriculum at Mayflower Congregational
facilitated by Kim Harris and Ann Hanson.
I sat next to a nearly 90 year-old woman who, in a mutual exchange of
sharing sexual histories, related to me the glories of masturbation. I remember thinking, in panic, “Where are the
exits? Is there any way I can get out of
here? Should I really be hearing this?” I was, well, I was surprised and learned more
about her sexual joy and delight than I ever imagined I would from someone I
mistakenly did not recognize as an incredible sexual human being.
First, let me say, that I was a little miffed that
“Older Adult” is a title referencing all adults 55 and older. When I shared my shock with Ann Hanson, she,
quite expectedly, told me to “Deal with it.”
I think, in so many words, Ann Hanson has rightfully told me to grow up
more than anyone else in my life.
The Older Adult version of Our Whole Lives is a
necessary and new addition to the already award-winning curriculum that teaches
and asks participants to reflect on healthy sexuality. Kim and Ann were putting it before us in hope
that we all would recognize that although our sexual self may not be all of our
life, our sexual self touches every part of our life. The body image portions of Our Whole Lives
taught to children now comes full circle as we begin to experience menopause,
incontinence, and prostate cancer. How
do we understand the changes and many times the failings in our older adult
bodies in light of a loving God who wants to share in our joy and grief?
Kim shared the reflection of a woman lying in bed,
as the sun cascaded into her bedroom, as he softly licked her nipple, his mouth
closing around it, bringing her a sense of contentment and pleasure. As Kim went on with the reflection, we
realized we were not hearing the story of two sexual partners but of a child
nursing at his mother’s breast. It was a
reminder that our sexual selves begin at an early age and with the most basic
and mundane life experiences. But our
sexual selves continue on into older adulthood.
Karen and Ann led us through a variety of learning
experiences and one was to go through a sexual history meditation, asking
ourselves where and when we learned about sexuality and gender, what were the
tapes we had regularly playing in our heads, and to think and reflect on who,
for good and ill, have been our sexual
teachers throughout our lives.[1] Who taught us about body image? When did we first learn about what our gender
was and what it meant? Who has taught
us, most profoundly, about who we are as a sexual being?
Who regularly tells you that you are beautiful? Handsome?
Attractive? And do you hear God
calling you those things? Telling you in
your sleep that you are beautiful, handsome, and attractive? Shining in your sleep? Letting you know that you have been crafted
by Creator as, “Mmmmm, you are fearfully and wonderfully made?”
Throughout our time together, we learned just how
much is changing in the language of gender and sexuality. And for the first time in a long time, I
heard people asking real questions, like they really wanted to know questions,
about their own sexuality and gender. In
particular, guys who I would have always imagined would want to appear “in the
know” or uncomfortable asking questions, asked questions with a little bit of a
giggle so as not to reveal how vulnerable they felt. And Ann and Kim would answer with what they
knew but would sometimes say they did not know or ask what we thought. I was grateful for an atmosphere that brought
forward questions, that heard every question as important, and saw everyone as
a resource for answers. In the short
morning and afternoon session, I believe all of us walked away with a powerful
understanding of what it might be like to have a great resource like Our Whole
Lives, great teachers like Kim and Ann, and a hunger all of us had on that day
to be more reflective, more responsible, and more faithful about what it means
to be healthy sexually.
Nina, Lisa, and I have had long discussions about
how we invite parents, children, and youth to the deep commitment required of
Our Whole Lives. I hope you will seek
out extended family and friends to commit to it when it will be offered in the
next year so that children and youth recognize their own boundaries, are able
to make sexual choices in age-appropriate, healthy, and mature ways, and are
able to say “yes” at the appropriate times as well as saying “no” for their own
protection and well-being, that they learn to love their own bodies and how to
identify themselves in the wider world.
But now, also, I hope older adults (ahem), like me, will have the
opportunity to learn from this new curriculum, that also requires a great commitment,
just how powerful it is to see ourselves as sexual beings worthy of joy, delight,
pleasure, and health as we walk in the faithful path Creator is walking with
us. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful, fabulous
thing to not only have sexual mountaintop experiences at each age but also
learn what it means to come down from the mountain and live sexually healthy
lives in the everyday? That opportunity
will be before us. And I pray all of us
will take advantage of it as Our Whole Lives is offered for every age
group.
P.E. teachers and football coaches and clumsy
fathers like me don’t always learn the necessary training or the best
information to pass along to their students.
But the extensive training done for Our Whole Lives Facilitators
promises to transform into a more joyful and healthy people. May it be so.
Amen.
[1] I
learned that a treasured word of mine, “boundary,” can actually be a trigger
word for the homeless population and this expanded my understanding of language
and the need for me to evolve.
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